Friday, 8 May 2009


I have this theory.

After purchasing a pack of nuts from a well known retailer in the UK (which might begin with "S") and then proceeding to take them and consume I began to read the packaging and was completely bloody flabbergasted to see that it clearly says on the back of the package:

Pistachio Nuts.

Allergy advice
Contains nuts.

No Bloody Crap you effing tossers!
After all, if it didn't contain nuts then I WOULDN'T BE BUYING IT!

So now that I've been told the bleeding obvious I thought I'd take this to task..
I noticed the hot water boiler thing on the wall in the kitchen in one of our nicks. On the front of the boiler it clearly has in big bold lettering


So again, we state the bleeding obvious. Why I ask?
Are we complete morons?

After seeing signs around power points saying that you could receive an electric shock and signs on steps saying that you could fall and injure yourself, signs saying that floors may be slippery when wet, and even better signs saying that CONCRETE forecourts on petrol stations may be slippery when wet!!!! I have come to a conclusion.

The end of the human race will NOT come about because of some super bug or Swine Flu, or whatever the next amazingly named bug is. It will come about in a purely stupid fashion...........

0700 hours - Tuesday 14th August 2027 - Jonathon DOE wakes up and goes to the bathroom. He has a shower and is very careful to read the government regulated signs that are around the walls to warn of the dangers of flushing toilets, shaving in front of mirrors that contain real glass, and showering in a small slippery cubicle surrounded by clear glass. DOE manages to survive this perilous task and at...

0728 hours - DOE enters the kitchen and has a bowl of healthy breakfast from a box which clearly states that the product does NOT contain NUTS and which is again regulated by what the government will allow him to eat for fear that he might get a cholesterol level which is one point above what the govt might like him to have. DOE then puts on the kettle to have his cup of caffeine free coffee simulation "pick-me-up" drink.

0729 hours - DOE receives a telephone call whilst he is attempting to iron his work shirt. He answers the call and learns that his mother has slipped/tripped/fallen over in the rain on an otherwise unassuming looking piece of concrete all because some numpty forgot to put out a sign when it started raining. 
DOE is now flustered and worried about his mother (rightly so).

0732 hours - The kettle begins to scream and DOE still has not finished ironing his shirt and leaves the iron as he walks to the kettle to pour the water, in doing so DOE fails to notice that the sign which is usually on the front of the kettle the hot water scalds DOE... in the process of being scalded DOE staggers backwards in abject shock and repulsion at this feeling which he does not know after being raised in a virtual cocoon...

0733 hours - As DOE staggers back he knocks over the iron which has burned a lovely hole in his shirt and DOE then falls out the window of his 6th floor flat. He lands face down in the middle of the footpath and at around 0733 and 14 seconds a chain reaction ensues which inevitably brings about the destruction of the entire human race - all because a warning sign fell off of a kettle and DOE was distracted because of his mothers accident which was caused by a warning sign not being placed out early enough.

As a child I played in sand and ate dog shit. I ran on concrete, fell over and have scars to prove that I learned a valuable lesson. I stayed out in the sun and got sunburnt. I had the hot tap too high and burned myself in the bath. These lessons all made me a petty damned responsible adult because I KNOW what risks are and how to avoid being hurt...

Heaven forbid that the HEALTH AND SAFETY CULTURE takes away the ability for  child to learn of risks and consequences.

What do you think? Personally, I reckon it's all a crock of shit. We should let people make their mistakes and learn from them. I'm sure Darwin would agree.. oh yeah, and we'd have some great Darwin Awards to hand out.


  1. Can't say I disagree. With a lot of this stuff the outcome is - as you say - the opposite of the aim. By mollycoddling us they actually make us weaker not stronger. Have you read War of the Worlds?

  2. No. I am pretty sure that I may have started it once a long time ago.. I may just have to read it.
    Why's that?

  3. BE,

    I shall be sure to remember war of the worlds when our sterile environment causes the end of humanity as we know it. When newborn babies with no resistance to even the common day bugs and illnesses will mean an end to them. It's seriously quite scarey.

    Good analogy that one and definetely one to remember. Now if we had their tripods that would be even better!


  4. I agree with all that except eating dog shit. I did have some standards, albeit low but not that low :-\