Tuesday, 26 May 2009

And now for something completely different...

So we've had 2 unseasonably warm days at work.

That's completely out of the ordinary it would appear for this country. I must say that I've never quite gotten used to the bizarre weather that Britain is renowned for. In general, I reckon it's pretty crap.

So anyway, back to the weather of the last two days.

It's somewhere around 25+ degrees Celsius and we still have to wear our stab vests. If we are found not wearing them by the bosses we can be disciplined for not following policies. Anyway, at 25+ degrees when wearing a stab vest the heat under the vest becomes somewhere around 40 degrees at a guess. (I really must measure the temp on the next nice, hot day). And still, we must wear it.

Ok, so here's my thought. Our policies for wearing the uniform issue standard stab proof vest (which is apparently also ballistics proof, but I don't want to test it), are out of date and put in place by a shiny ass. Basically, put there by someone who is so far removed from the modern day practicalities of policing that it's not funny. Someone who hasn't been out to a common, garden variety, domestic dispute in the best part of half a decade or more and who basically sits on their behind and makes decisions which affect those of us on the pointy end of policing. Response. To a lesser degree also the NBT's, Neighbourhood Beat Teams.

I was employed by the police because I am able to make quick, spur of the moment, sensible and informed decisions based on the information that I have at hand. So why must I be told to wear my vest, or be forced to wear it?

Surely, if I am attending old Missus Miggens address to have a cup of tea, and a biscuit and talk about her nuisance youth problem with the boys from down at number 17 who kick the football against her side wall... then there is very little danger to me.

Then on the next level, if I'm attending Joe Smiths house because there is some thought that he and his buddies are having a party and it's getting out of hand.. well, common sense would dictate that I should wear my vest right, after all, I might actually be going in to harms way.

Next step up and I'm going to Mr & Mrs Franks address because they are having a very loud verbal domestic where the neighbour has also heard at least one piece of furniture breaking. Well if I didn't wear my vest to this I'd be a bloody idiot!!

Well I'm sure you'll agree that I am more likely to die from heat stroke than anything else. After all with my body pumping out pints of sweat every hour because of the 40+ degree temperature under the vest.. and the fact that it just isn't able to be ventilated.. uggh, disgusting isn't it?
Let me be an adult and make up my own mind as to where and when I should be wearing this stupid thing. Yes, it's a great bit of kit. A few years ago we didn't have them and I'm happy to have a vest. But by and large we don't need them and they just make us look more militaristic!

On top of all of that.. what do you think that wearing this lump of kevlar on my shoulders for the next 20 years is going to do to my spine?

Thursday, 21 May 2009

Did I overstep the mark?

Hmmm, perhaps I've overstepped the mark as pointed out by Area in the comments on my previous post...

As he quite rightly pointed out the DPS (read "Police Police") prowls the interweb thingie for stuff like this.. they prowl for disgruntled coppers who might want to VENT their frustrations against the system which is wholly corrupted and wrong.

Oh yeah, of course it is corrupted when you can become a politician, then you can STEAL thousands of pounds of OUR taxpayers money, then you stand up on National TV and say "Sorry, I didn't think it was right (but I still bloody did it)" and of course then it's all bloody good and perfect and you are forgiven! Not in my bloody book. GO TO COURT AND SERVE YOUR BLOODY TIME IN PRISON. After all, if I took £1 of taxpayers money without justifying what every penny was for then I would end up in court and probably get sent down for it as an example!!!

And on top of that of course if we have some "travelers" to call them by the Politically Correct term who think they can do anything they bloody want, they often DO whatever they want because we are too busy chasing our own tails to actually stop them. After all, we would be afraid of dealing with them for fear of saying something politically incorrect and getting investigated because of the complaint that would follow (and spend 18 months of our lives waiting for a result on that complaint despite not doing anything wrong).

I became a cop to do two things mainly.. those are preserve human life and catch the bad guys... I did NOT become a cop to count cannabis cautions, public order tickets/arrests, or arrests for crimes which just don't seem important but get a Home Office approved detection. I DID however want to catch drink drivers, want to catch burglars, want to catch robbers, want to catch those who have total and utter contempt for the law and the general public and the society which we all belong to.. And of course many other things.

We should be chasing criminals, not detections. We should be prosecuting the criminals, not being persecuted by them when we say something and they put in a complaint which takes 18 months to resolve... Oh yeah, and then we are SOOOoo scared to speak our mind against the corrupt and wrong system and so afraid to speak our true feelings, we are also so bloody afraid to actually speak the truth because it might not be Politically Correct or it might UPSET someone.. Heaven forbid that we should actually upset a criminal..

What IS the world coming to when the police are scared to do their jobs because of the problems it might personally cause us???

Perhaps I'm in the wrong job. Perhaps the Inspector was right when he told me it was the nature of the beast.. Perhaps, just perhaps this is all a very bad dream and the job I loved actually still is the job I loved........

I don't know about much. I do know however that if I have to keep looking over my shoulders and worrying whether or not the DPS are going to come and infringe my Right to a Personal Life then perhaps I'll just shut up...

Tuesday, 19 May 2009


Surrey Police Helicopter gets smashed up  <-- I found this story and thought it worth commenting on.. after all, it's been a "Q" week in Southernshire, only 3 murders, 7 GBHs, and 2 Stranger rapes.. not much to write about! (oh yeah, I'm joking about the 3 murders, 7 GBH and 2 rapes! None of these happened.. thus why I've not posted.)

Back to the police chopper!

So... first thing that comes to mind is why does Surrey not have their helipad somewhere more secure to begin with??? this is an expensive piece of tax payer funded crime fighting equipment. That is ludicrous, a 4 foot wall!!

Secondly, where was the SECURITY detail for the site? Surely a bunch of do-as-you-likey scum wandering up to the edge of the helipad in a bunch of white trannie vans with orange beacons on top should've been noticed by SOMEONE!!! Specially considering the NATURE of the site being a Police Helipad!!!!!!!!!

And why has no one yet been identified? Did the area surrounding the location not have any form of CCTV or anything? These idiots aren't smart enough to have actually been disguising themselves, after all, we all know that pikey scum is above the laws of our country and as such they are untouchable in a court of law because they'll make the jury think that they are poor, mis-understood and picked on innocent people.. but of course the jury never hears the full story do they?

Shameful. Makes us, the Police, look like a complete f*%king joke!
And on top of that, I just do NOT understand why we allow CRIMINALS like this to roam freely around our streets! I do hope that the raid has been carried out and that loads of shitbags have been arrested.

Oh yeah, I buzz my travellers sites quite regularly, and I reckon we should be MORE in their faces.

Wednesday, 13 May 2009

A bunch of bloody criminals!

Anywhere else in the world but in England.

MP's Pay back money as you can see from that quick GOOGLE search there is stacks of stories about this.
I also know that I'm not the first cop to blog about it..

But I just feel that I have to have my own 2 pence worth of a say because otherwise it'll build up in me like a rage and I'll go to Westminster and have it out with the first idiot MP that I see on the street!

So, as an MP you earn how much money?

I thought I'd do some research... and Alan KEEN has posted up details from 2004. I don't actually know who he is, but his information came up first in Google. (AND I AM NOT saying that Alan KEEN has done anything wrong, but it gives a good guide as to how much money MP's are making off of OUR backs when we can't even afford to fuel up the car)
Anyway, it would appear that they are on SUBSTANTIALLY MORE than the average citizen of the United Kingdom. In fact, around double what I earn and they don't get spat at, have punches thrown at them, or have to struggle to pay rent or a mortgage!

So a £60,000/annum salary PLUS expenses???

Reading through Alan KEENS information from his website it would appear that the average MP if they are smart can rake in well over a hundred grand without even trying. Specially if they cut back on their own 'staff' etc.

SO WHY are they allowed to then claim MORE expenses for 2nd houses and so on when MOST PEOPLE cannot even afford a 1st house? Clearly they've got the money to not have to worry about things like trouser presses and should be paying for it out of their own bloody pocket, not ours.

If I fiddled my expenses forms at work I wouldn't just be dismissed from the office of constable I would ALSO be brought up on misconduct charges, probably fraud or at the very least theft charges and I would have to explain myself in court where, if I lost, the court would throw the book at me to set an example.

So why hasn't a SINGLE MP been arrested and charged as yet for any of their dishonesty offences which they have ADMITTED PUBLICALLY ON TV!!!!?????!?!?!?!

ARREST and CHARGE the bloody lot of them. THEN cancel ALL second house allowances. Can the entire bloody lot of them and call a full general election so that we might actually get a government that we voted for, not someone who was grandfathered in because he was best buddies with the last tosser in government.. and let's teach these over-paid, under-worked idiots what it's like to actually be on the breadline, or on the dole queue, or perhaps just living real life, commuting because you can't afford to live anywhere near work due to overinflated housing prices, or scrimping to buy the kids a treat on the school holidays because you earn crap wages and your wife has to stay at home to look after the kids because babysitting is so expensive.

I want to know who's responsible, I want some action, and I want it now. ALL THE CRIMINAL SCUM should be charged and put before a JURY of their PEERS (YES, US, the PUBLIC!)

Bail Warrants suck!

Right, so I came in for briefing for a late shift on day. I think it was like a 1400 hours start time back then. As with everything in the police it's been changed about 6 times in the last year so who bloody knows!

Anyway, the Sgt gives me a task for the evening. I have to go and locate a random woman Ms Happy Heifer and Arrest her on a "Bail Warrant" which is a bit of a misnomer really.. after all, if you are going to BAIL someone, why arrest them in the first place? Anyway, she'd not paid £600 of council tax or something. (So?)

So basically, a Bail Warrant, the idea is that you arrest the subject and instantly inform them (with lots of paperwork) that you are BAILING THEM to appear in "whichever court is specified" on a date to be worked out (several are usually given as examples).

I dutifully think rightio, that's straight forward (yer right) and pop out in my vehicle and toddle on around to Ms Happy Heifers house in an effort to get this straight forward and simple job over and done with at the beginning of the shift.

Surprise, surprise, no one is at home. I breath a sigh of relief and get ready to beat a hasty retreat when a neighbour (who's heard me bashing on the door in this block of flats) sticks their head out and says "Is everything a'right?" I have to try fairly hard to not say something like mind your own business, but I smile and say, oh yes, everything is fine, have you seen Ms Heifer today? and the neighbour says that she's probably visiting the fellow in flat 2 or is just down the road at some random persons address who they can't tell me because they've just seen her sitting on the step there.. but she's always there, apparently.

I thank the neighbour and make good my get-away, but for appearances sake I go and knock at number 2. No answer. I drive out and along the end of the close and back again looking like I am trying to find Ms Happy Heifer, but of course I've got NO IDEA what she looks like so it's pretty useless looking, but like I say, it's for appearances sake.

Shift was due to finish at around midnight I think. I know that night shift was starting at around 2200 hours but it could've been earlier, or later, never quite sure these days. Anyway I've gone back to Ms Happy Heifers address. It's around 2100 hours. I've been caught up doing proper policing like taking crime reports for thefts and burglaries.

I go in to the block of flats and knock on the door.. Happy herself comes to the door and instantly starts ranting at me!?!???
"Hold Up!" I start with as I ask her if perhaps she'd like to continue this in the privacy of her own flat instead of in the stairwell! She doesn't even stop ranting at me (and I've not said anything else just yet) but she's clearly on a roll here. I get in to the living room and ask her if she'd like to sit down and she refuses and goes on another rant about my telling her what to do in her own flat.... FFS Gimme a Break. This was supposed to be the easy job for the day! I've still got 2 burglaries to write up and a theft I'm thinking as she keeps on ranting.

So eventually she takes a break for a moment and I explain what I'm there for. She instantly starts off on one again. I calmly continue with my explanation that I'm NOT THERE to take her away, I'm only there to bail her to appear in BIG CITY MAGISTRATES COURT about 3 counties across because that's where she lived before. She doesn't care, she just starts sobbing and screaming and carrying on.. she starts going on about how I'm there to take her away and that she refused and so on.. My, my, what a crock.. talk about acting it up! It's not even for anything decent this bail warrant.
So now about 20 minutes have passed since I first arrived. The controllers are aware of where I am and have already checked on me once... I've got Happy Heifer to ring her best friend who's dutifully trotted over to assist her, or me, or both of us. So Ms Trotter arrives.

Ms Trotter comes in to the living room. Happy instantly looks a little better and starts on about how I'm here to arrest her and drag her away and put her in the cells for the night to go to court and that she can't go in the cells because of her back operation and how sick she's been and so on and so forth..
I ask Happy if she is willing to let me discuss her private matters with Ms Trotter, she indicates that she is and then starts screaming at me again.. Ms Trotter and I walk in to the hall where the screaming is slightly less and I explain the purpose of the Bail Warrant and that it's ONLY an arrest in order to say "YOU ARE REQUIRED TO ATTEND XYZ COURT ON B DAY AT C TIME" and nothing more. Ms Trotter understands straight away that I am NOT the big bad nasty 6 foot storm trooper from the evil empire of the overlords on the deathstar that I have been made out to be.

Ms Trotter manages to get Happy Heifer up off the floor and on to the sofa. They chat and I simply stand back. Eventually Happy calms down and says to me "Ok, What's all of this that I have to do?" so I start off at the beginning saying all the bits that the form says I must read out (and I've explained that I HAVE to read it out) and she gets upset again and starts going off on a tangent. Ms Trotter works her magic as Happy is just sobbing and saying "Take me away, Take me away, I can't be in a cell, I'm in agony" over and over again.

About another 20 mins have passed and control room has checked on me for  3rd time. I've explained at one point that I may have to bring Happy in to the cells as she is not listening. Or alternatively to get someone else to come over and explain as clearly she doesn't want to listen to me. The controller manages to tell me (lucky I use an earpiece) that due to the screaming in the background she's getting me some backup...

Happy Heifer magically calms right down and apologises to me and asks me to read out what I've come for. She said that she understands that I don't want to take her away and so on.. Ms Trotter has explained everything magically (and read it out from the paperwork for her). I do my bit and read out all the spiel on the papers, say all the magic words, emphasise all the good bits about being liable to re-arrest etc for failing to appear and then we all happily sign on the dotted line....................

So, in total around 1 hour and 5 minutes have passed. It's now well after change of shift time. Eventually I am in a calm household, Happy Heifer apologises and states that she's on medication for her back problems after having an operation. She stated that she was upset and didn't listen to me. All seems fine and we part on good terms.
I walk out the door and as I do so I see the Area Car with the night turn officers for the patch pull up and look at me. I wonder on down and they tell me that they've decided that perhaps they should check on me... we thanks fellas!

A simple job? Yeah, The Sgt said "Just do this one for me Blogs, it's fairly straight forward. Just a bail warrant". No thanks! I'll avoid them from now on.

Sunday, 10 May 2009

What beast?

Every time you do something wrong and get hauled in to the Sergeants office to be "talked to" either officially or unofficially you are of course given an opportunity to either give reasons, excuses or to just vent your pent up frustrations.. (I removed my tangent from here)

Anyway, I digressed, so I am in the Sgt's office for about the 3rd time this month and of course getting a rollocking and then I give your reasons and/or vent a little and I get the age old story that goes a little like this:

"you shouldn't fight the system Blogs, it's there for a reason.. It's the nature of the Beast"

What the hell is that supposed to mean FFS?

Firstly, the system is NOT BLOODY PERFECT, therefore fighting the system is good.. because being able to actually get the imperfections changed are important. Right? (obviously I'm actually wrong and it's not important)

The system MAY be there for a reason. But what the hell is the reason because I certainly cannot see what it is supposed to be when everything I do ends up with me getting in to trouble and getting the same friggen speech! And clearly the system needs to adapt with time for the times they are a changing!

The nature of the Beast. What goddamned Beast? Because I am really flummoxed here. I do not work for a BEAST. I do not want to work for a BEAST. I don't even understand what the hell the Sgt is on about.

Then I go to see the Inspector. The Inspector says the same bloody BEAST speech. What the F**K are you on about sir?

So why???

I just do not get it. Everything in the police changes. Not a month goes by where there isn't some sort of change with shifts, or policies, or stupidity, or whatever. It's constant fluctuation isn't it! SO.. why the hell does the "system" never change, or adapt, or even compromise??

OMG it just pisses me off...

So... perhaps it's about time this bloody beast was slain!

Friday, 8 May 2009


I have this theory.

After purchasing a pack of nuts from a well known retailer in the UK (which might begin with "S") and then proceeding to take them and consume I began to read the packaging and was completely bloody flabbergasted to see that it clearly says on the back of the package:

Pistachio Nuts.

Allergy advice
Contains nuts.

No Bloody Crap you effing tossers!
After all, if it didn't contain nuts then I WOULDN'T BE BUYING IT!

So now that I've been told the bleeding obvious I thought I'd take this to task..
I noticed the hot water boiler thing on the wall in the kitchen in one of our nicks. On the front of the boiler it clearly has in big bold lettering


So again, we state the bleeding obvious. Why I ask?
Are we complete morons?

After seeing signs around power points saying that you could receive an electric shock and signs on steps saying that you could fall and injure yourself, signs saying that floors may be slippery when wet, and even better signs saying that CONCRETE forecourts on petrol stations may be slippery when wet!!!! I have come to a conclusion.

The end of the human race will NOT come about because of some super bug or Swine Flu, or whatever the next amazingly named bug is. It will come about in a purely stupid fashion...........

0700 hours - Tuesday 14th August 2027 - Jonathon DOE wakes up and goes to the bathroom. He has a shower and is very careful to read the government regulated signs that are around the walls to warn of the dangers of flushing toilets, shaving in front of mirrors that contain real glass, and showering in a small slippery cubicle surrounded by clear glass. DOE manages to survive this perilous task and at...

0728 hours - DOE enters the kitchen and has a bowl of healthy breakfast from a box which clearly states that the product does NOT contain NUTS and which is again regulated by what the government will allow him to eat for fear that he might get a cholesterol level which is one point above what the govt might like him to have. DOE then puts on the kettle to have his cup of caffeine free coffee simulation "pick-me-up" drink.

0729 hours - DOE receives a telephone call whilst he is attempting to iron his work shirt. He answers the call and learns that his mother has slipped/tripped/fallen over in the rain on an otherwise unassuming looking piece of concrete all because some numpty forgot to put out a sign when it started raining. 
DOE is now flustered and worried about his mother (rightly so).

0732 hours - The kettle begins to scream and DOE still has not finished ironing his shirt and leaves the iron as he walks to the kettle to pour the water, in doing so DOE fails to notice that the sign which is usually on the front of the kettle the hot water scalds DOE... in the process of being scalded DOE staggers backwards in abject shock and repulsion at this feeling which he does not know after being raised in a virtual cocoon...

0733 hours - As DOE staggers back he knocks over the iron which has burned a lovely hole in his shirt and DOE then falls out the window of his 6th floor flat. He lands face down in the middle of the footpath and at around 0733 and 14 seconds a chain reaction ensues which inevitably brings about the destruction of the entire human race - all because a warning sign fell off of a kettle and DOE was distracted because of his mothers accident which was caused by a warning sign not being placed out early enough.

As a child I played in sand and ate dog shit. I ran on concrete, fell over and have scars to prove that I learned a valuable lesson. I stayed out in the sun and got sunburnt. I had the hot tap too high and burned myself in the bath. These lessons all made me a petty damned responsible adult because I KNOW what risks are and how to avoid being hurt...

Heaven forbid that the HEALTH AND SAFETY CULTURE takes away the ability for  child to learn of risks and consequences.

What do you think? Personally, I reckon it's all a crock of shit. We should let people make their mistakes and learn from them. I'm sure Darwin would agree.. oh yeah, and we'd have some great Darwin Awards to hand out.

Wednesday, 6 May 2009

A Proliferation of Posters

Fly posting is a crime.

Does that mean I can proceed to catch and deal with the bastard who's putting up all sorts of crap posters in our nicks? (in response to a recent post from Inspector Gadget - thanks for the reminder)

Hmm, I guess not.
It's not detectable is it?
Therefore I'd be criticised for wasting police time on it.

So, these posters are up for what fantastic reason? They are there to tell us "HOW TO WASH OUR HANDS" and yes, it's in big bold letters. For crying out loud, I got through the entire selection process to become a police constable because I have good verbal logical reasoning skills, because I can think on my feet, because I have the innate ability to be able to just do my job, and properly (well most of the time), oh yeah, and a few other reasons.... but hey, or BUT No.. I'm not able to clearly think of doing something my mother taught me to do when I was 3.
I have to be TOLD to and TOLD HOW to wash my bloody hands.

Damnit, get a life.

What is the point? (like I said, I've been doing this rather well for the past hundred years or so!)

On top of that, there are also posters telling me about things like colds and flu (and these were up before this pig flu thing), and posters about various other bits of crap.

Oh yeah, so I feel like I'm a child. I have to be TOLD to wash my hands. Sorry, but I was raised well. It is a matter of course for me! I have to be TOLD to use a tissue and bin germs? Bloody hell. This is PROTECTIONISM gone insane. We are adult human beings who do an adult job, who make life and death decisions, treat us like adults!

Bugger it. I think I might go to work tomorrow and have a big stinking shit in the toilet. NOT flush it because there is a sign saying to flush the toilet. In fact I will have to move around a bit to make sure it slides down the bowl leaving nasty marks.
I will then walk out of the bog without washing my hands, because there is a sign that says I should wash my hands.

I'll walk straight along the hall and sneeze in to my hand, wipe it along the wall. Cough on the Chief and then go and piss in a corner behind the water cooler.
Yep, that'll make me feel more like an adult.

After that I'll curl up on a beanbag in the corridor and snarl at anybody who decides to say anything too loudly.

Give me a break. F***ing Nanny State!

Sunday, 3 May 2009

Commentary Annoyance.

So don't get me wrong. I love these Police, Camera, Action type programs. Pat & Carl are my personal heroes. Well they are.. honest!

Specially because they seem to be able to swear at almost everyone they nick AND they can asp people any time they want.. and when they want backup it turns up by the bucketload! (Probably because every Tom, Dick and Harry wants to be on the TV) and on top of that they actually get to go out and do what policing is all about.

BUT.. while these things are all good what the HELL is with that stupid arsed idiot doing the commentary? Why is he such a numpty? Doesn't he have any other sayings? Does he have to assume that everyone wants to be talked to like a complete imbecile? What the hell!

I just find that he sounds so condescending, so annoying, and so bloody mind-numbingly predictable with what he's going to say that it (for me) completely spoils what is going on in those shows. I prefer to watch the ones which he doesn't do the constant babble on.
(And I swear it's the same guy on that stupid home-videos show where they constantly show kids hurting themselves!)

Or is it just the entire genre these days that we need to be commentated to like we are mindless morons?

Oh yeah, I forgot. Of course we do. It's just like we get dictated to by our government, because we ARE mindless morons and we require them to control every part of our lives and our destiny.

/end rant for today.